just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
