I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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