WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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