There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
