She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
