I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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