I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
