When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
