Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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