she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
