you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
