ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
