I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
