I skipped work to stalk him.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
