No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you traded sex for a burrito?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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