Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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