my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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