why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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