Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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