I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
