bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
