We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
do nipples grow back?
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