So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
