I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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