did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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