Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
