why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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