I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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