i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
