Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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