this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
