i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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