I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
