you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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