If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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