i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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