I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
