if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
