my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
