I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
