a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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