It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
