Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
