I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize