Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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