I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize