I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
