ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
