During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
