Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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