you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
