By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
