I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
