The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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