Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
3pm strippers are depressing
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
