I must be too annoying 4 u.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
