Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
