I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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