dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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