Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize